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You're only as old as you feel

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God help this Kid [Feb. 24th, 2006|12:19 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |The Incomparable Glenn Miller]

Well, we can't be sure for about three months, but Loma is pretty sure that it's a girl. Mother's have an instinct for that sort of thing. I really hope she's right. I mean a boy would be swell to, but a girl would just be the tops. I mean, I already have two boys whose asses I have to kick every day; and since it's damn near impossible to kick a girl's ass, I'll leave the disciplining to her mother, and I'll be the one to spoil her rotton. Ha. Daughters are so much fun.

Anyway, Loma's already making a list of boy and girl names. She's new to this whole pregnancy thing. It's kind of cute. Of course, all her names are so damn awful. Her top name for a boy is Juan Carlos; which is fine if the kid's last name is Garcia; but when you put it with Beneducci it sounds like a bad international incident. Her top name for a girl is Marisol! I said "what the hell kind of name is that?! Do you want the kid to have friends?!" She says "Al, it's Spanish. It's short for Maria del sol. Maria of the sun." Maria of the Sun?! God help this child. My last name is ITALIAN!!! You can't put Italian names with names like Juan Carlos or Marisol! You gotta put an Italian name, or a neutral American name or something. You can't combine ethnic names! It's like a couple who're Chinese and Jewish naming their kid Chang Rothenstein! If we have a girl, I think I'd like to name her Christina. Christina Beneducci sounds pretty I think. I haven't thought about a boy, but whatever I pick will be a hell of a lot better than Juan Carlos. Somehow I'll trick her into letting me name the kid. Crazy broad.

Catch ya later.
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Baby blues [Feb. 21st, 2006|08:51 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |excitedexcited]
[Current Music |Sinatra: Love and marriage]

I've been so busy lately I'm finding it hard to post. But oh things have changed! Loma is expecting and I've been doing everything in my power to appease her incredible craving for watermelon and guava. Weird broad. I'm worried about Cath though. The kid gets insanely jealous and I don't want him to hate Loma for having a baby. He acts like we're replacing him or something which is crazy! I'd never replace him, he's my kid. Kohl's happy though. Anything involving Loma makes Kohl happy. He's such a momma's boy. I'm sure Kohl will be the one to throw the baby shower. ha ha ha. I'm wondering whether it's going to be a boy or a girl. The boy's said she can go to the doctor and have the baby's sex checked. Can you believe that?! They never could do that in my day. Whatever kid you had in your belly was a mystery until you popped it out. Technology is just going to ruin the fun. I guess it's okay. Saves me the trouble of buying baby clothes that are the wrong color. Loma says buy anything yellow. Yellow is neutral. What do I know? I can barely match my tie to my suit. ha!

Gotta run! Loma's screaming for me to rub her feet and the boy's are arguing in the next room.
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Bon Apetit! [Feb. 12th, 2006|07:55 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |sicksick]
[Current Music |The enveloping vocals of Bessie Smith.....]

I gotta wonder about my boys sometimes. They've been taping Fear Factor. What the fuck is wrong with that show?! Maybe I'm old and out of touch, but how the hell does watching a group of people shove a pile of fucking cow brains or roaches, or transfering dead mice into a tank of water with their mouths, or whatever other shit they do on that program, constitute as entertainment?! Now, the heights, and all the other stuff isn't so bad. I guess it can be entertaining. But who the fuck like to watch people eat a plate of live slugs?! How the hell is that entertainment?! Someone explain it to me, please. The boys wanted us to watch it with them. Poor Loma nearly lost that arroz con pollo she made. I felt pretty queasy myself, and I've seen a hell of a lot.
You know what, Cath loves that shit, but I think Kohl secretly gets nauseous as hell. If it wasn't for looking more macho than Cath, he'd be making out with the toilet. I mean, the kid can't even stand the sight of blood. Cath's the weird one. I'll never understand that kid.

Over and Out
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(no subject) [Feb. 4th, 2006|09:31 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |Benny Goodman - "Stompin' at the Savoy"]

Well, Kohlius and I are on speaking terms again. Thank God. Whenever Kohl and I get into a fight, it's like no body's happy with anybody. Cath and Loma were acting like Kohl and I were responsible for the fucking universe collapsing or something. Anyway, the world is back to normal now.

I really wish we didn't fight so much, but the kid is so damn sensitive. Easily offended and hurt. I try to be careful around him, you know, watch my trap and what not; but I'm not the most sensitive guy. I wasn't brought up in a sensitive world. My wife thinks I'm a nasty old son of a bitch, and that I ride the kid too hard 'cause he's the oldest. She's probably right. I wanna do something real nice for Kohl but I haven't decided what yet. Ah, I'll surprise him with something good.

Anyhow, Loma wants to watch some Lifetime movie with her (kill me now please) so I'll catch you kids later. While she balls her eyes out on my shoulder I'll think of something nice to do for the Kohlster.

Stay Loose
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Poor weak sheep [Jan. 29th, 2006|11:29 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[Current Music |Sweet soothing Billie Holiday, Blue Moon in fact]

I swear, an old man never gets a break. I finally get Loma to back off the low carb shit and to let me at least smoke on the porch and now Kohl is mad at me because I called him a weak sheep with no mind of his own. Face it the kid deserved it. He follows Cath around like a whipped puppy and then he sits around and laughs when I get my tail whipped by Cath when the little brat goes too far with his rough-housing. I'm not young anymore! I admit it! And yes, Cath bruised me good. Loma says I may even have a cracked rib. Kohl had no business leering in the doorway laughing his ass off when Cath was going too far. He could have easily stepped in and say "hey Cath take it easy, Pop's not as young as he used to be, you're hurting him" But no, the fuckin' sheep is standing their holding his sides with tears running down his face. Of course he'll never say anything to his precious Cath. The kid has no mind of his own. He can watch Cath chuck me off a bridge and unless Cath says "go fetch Kohl," He'd just stand there and watch. So I got angry and I decked him good tonight, called him a weak sheep and an idiot. And now he's not talking to me and he stormed out. Worse thing is, Cath takes his side by justifying Kohl's stupidity by saying "He knew you were playing he thought it was funny" I swear those Kids are in cahoots to drive me into a loony bin. Cath just ran out to find him.

Why am I getting the feeling that somehow this is going to do a 180 and I'm going to have to be the one who apologizes?
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Loca Loma [Jan. 26th, 2006|11:23 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |Duke Ellington - Sophisticated Ladies]

Senora Health Freak is finally off her "low carb" kick. She finally admits to me that she was just doing it to get back at me for our little "no smoking" argument. Well, no shit that's all she was doing. You think I'd believe for two seconds that any self-respecting latina broad would honestly advocate a low carb life style? I knew that crazy dame just had it out for me. "Low carb".....what a crock of shit. Hell, if I lost any more weight, I'd stand very still, spread my arms out, and let people hang their coats and hats on me. So I knew that she knew I didn't need all that low carb shit. Too much more of that and I would have had a few earthworms crawling though my ears about six feet under. Serving low carb pasta to an Italian is just like serving a big plate of salt to a damn slug.
Well, ofcourse this means my darling Loma is on another kick: running. Moday through Friday, every damn morning. Yeah, she used to just do it by herself, but now she drags me along by the leash every fucking time. I tell you, the crazy dame wants to kill me and make it look like an accident. Sheesh, I haven't suffered this much since boot camp......and she still won't let me light up in doors.

Say, anyone interested in a lovely, "loca" hispanic widow?

On another note, my boys seem to really like it up here. I thought they'd enjoy it. They love the out doors, and the weather. (Loma hates it. The little hot house plant.) They've been doing a lot of rugged type things lately that I could never quite catch on to. The other night we ate a rabbit that Cath caught in the woods. How do you like that? I was so proud of him; catching dinner like that. Hell, I never did anything like that. I was such a little city-kid. The only thing I ever caught was a cab. I guess Kohl thinks he's behind now. Poor little competative Kohl. He's gonna try for a deer tomorrow. You know, gotta top that rabbit. Gotta be more manly than the other one......Ah, poor Kohlius.

Well, I'll catch you kids tomorrow if Loma and her crazy antics haven't killed me by then.

Good Night, Folkes
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This has to stop [Jan. 19th, 2006|07:13 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |crankycranky]
[Current Music |Louie Armstrong: Wonderful World]

Ugh...day two of Miss Health Nut's low carb diet. I could kill her if I didn't love her so much. She had the nerve to serve me low carb pasta! What the hell is that?! It was like eating rolled up cardboard. And to add insult to injury the crazy broad tops the pasta with low sodium tomato sauce. Is she trying to give me another heart attack? The boys won't touch the stuff. They keep looking at me like I cooked it or made the shit. Well you know what boy's it's all Loma's fault! I think they just left to get real food. I'm thinking about joining them. I can sneak out and get a smoke. Loma won't let me smoke inside anymore.

Kill me now.
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"No Smoking, Estupido!" says Senora Health-Nut [Jan. 15th, 2006|10:11 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |whatever]
[Current Music |Whatever crap the boys are blasting]

First off, remind me not to adopt any more crazy teenage boys - not that the two nut-jobs I have now aren't just adorable. Don't get me wrong, I love them both to death - even if they are sharing a brain cell. They cracked into my liquor cabinet last night. Enough said right? I'm too old for this shit. Well, I guess I deserve it. My pop used to have to kick my scrawny ass for a lot worse. Now I have to kick two scrawny asses. That's life, right? That's parenthood. Kohl should have known better! He's the older one! Stunata! (roughly translated, crazy, or idiotic, for all you W.A.S.P.s out there.)

On another note, Paloma and I got into another one of our little tiffs today. Dr. Health Nut wants me to quit smoking. Yeah, I've been smoking since I was fifteen, and she wants me to quit now. Broads, right? Don't tie a noose for me, all you feminists out there. I love women. I'm crazy about Loma. She's just crzay - period. Yeah, yeah, I know, we live in a health-conscience world now. "No smoking," "no carbs", no whatever.
What the hell is that no carbs shit anyway?! What a crock! I never even heard of cutting "carbs" my whole life - and I'm older than M&Ms and thin as a damn rail! If people would just get their lazy asses off the sofa they wouldn't need a thousand diets just so they can gain all the damn weight back two lousy weeks later! F.U.B.A.R. - that's all it is. (look it up if you don't know what it means.) We didn't have any of this health fanatic shit while I was growing up. Everyone smoked when I was a kid! You weren't a man back then is you didn't have a stick of smoldering ash hanging from your lips. In fact, "back in my day," to coin the tired phrase, doctors used to just light up, right there in their offices. Stupid, right? Maybe so. But, this generation is a differernt kind of stupid. Sure, every generation is stupid in it's own way.
Cath is peeping over my shoulder and rolling his eyes now. Yeah, my boys get to hear all that "back in my day" jazz quite a lot. Hey, I suffered through it with my pop - "Well, Alfredo, back in the old country..." - I wanted to hang myself. You think I gave a rat's ass back then about what Pop did back in Sicily back in 1910, or what ever the hell it was? Well now it's my turn. Now I get to make MY boys suffer.
Any way, so Loma yells at me, "It's going to kill you, estupido!" Then she really lets me have it - in Spanish. (I guess to let me know she means business or something.) I just say, "Well, sweetheart, if it does kill me, I'll die 'muy contento'," In any case, my lovely wife wants me to join this "healthy" society. And don't get me wrong, I'd love to make her happy. That is, if I was about a billion years younger, I would. My lungs have gotta be black as coal, but what the hey. What good would quitting now do, really? I'm past the turning point, you know what I'm saying? My lungs are already damaged goods. Take them or leave them, know what I mean?
Of course Cath is with Loma all the way. Kohl too; the little mama's boy - but he really can't say shit to me - the little smoke-stack. the bad thing is, I really can't say shit to him either. I was smoking at a younger age than him, that's for sure. I'll just let his mother ride him on that one.
And now,some pearls of wisdom to all you kids out there: Don't smoke. You won't be able to go back. You'll end up with two black lungs and one nagging wife. And in time, they'll probably shove a damn tube down you thraot, or you'll have to talk through an atrificial voice box; or what ever the hell it is they do. So don't start. Well, I'll be a son of a bitch, I just did an anti-smoking commercial. How's that for "politically correct" eh?

Well, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Boy, this "on-line journal" sure is fun. Cath is gonna help me set up an "icon," or a picture for this thing.
So Long
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Testing...does this diary work? [Jan. 8th, 2006|08:26 pm]
You're only as old as you feel
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[Current Music |The one and only Ella]

Well, my boys finally convinced me to get with the times and start this online "diary" I could tell you my life story, but I wouldn't want to bore you with the ramblings of an old man.

The boys and I returned to my old childhood cabin up in upstate NY. Boy, it sure does bring back memories, like the time Carlo used to pretend he was a ghost and made me piss in my sheets. He sure was a dick. Why was I always Carlo's room mate? Ma always stuck us together, like I needed the protection of that over beefed up ape. I think Ma secretly got a kick having me run over and ask to sleep in her bed. (I was always a such a mama's boy.) I think the boys will really enjoy it up here. They can go hunting. They love to hunt. Maybe Cath can catch us some dinner. I can sure go for some venison right about now.

Shit. I drooled on the keyboard. Paloma's gonna kill me.

Wow, This diary is better then the pictures. Sure beats writing on paper, and what convienience.

Well, Loma just cooked up some picadillo. drool! drool!

Cath's leaning over my shoulder. He thinks I'm so unhip. Well I'll show him. Now I have "technology" to back me up.

Oh what will they think of next?

Well, catch ya later kids.

Ciao
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